I must survive
by Writer with Cherry Ice Cream
Summary: She just needed some space to think. After Jane said yes to Casey Maura's heart breaks. She leaves without telling anyone where she goes but gets in a car accident. Will she be found now no one knows where she is? Rizzles. (Summary sucks, please give it a try?)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I only own the idea, kind of. **

**AN: So this is an attempt on writing a story… I hope you like it! **

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**I must survive**

**Chapter 1 **

My thoughts were driving me crazy, should I call her and tell her how I felt or should I stay silent? I don't know…

I was angry at her for not seeing the love in my eyes, at the same time I know I can't blame her. She's in love with Casey, not with me.

Call her, don't call her.

Call her, don't call her.

I was in a battle with myself, it was already a week. A week I was gone, a week ago I drove away and cut off every way they could connect me. My phone was off and I had told no one where I was going. I could figure out a way to live with the fact that Jane was going to settle down and maybe start a family. I needed to support her, be the good friend she needed me to be. But deep down I know I can't be the person she wants me to be. I can't watch her living the happy life while I am dying on the inside.

I needed to get out of the cabin, I knew there was a storm coming but I didn't care. I needed to get out of here, now.

I stepped into my car and drove away, the rain blurring my sight but I still went. The wind was blowing on the left side of my car, lifting it just a bit. Not enough to fall but hard enough to feel the car wobble in the wind. I gripped my steering wheel tight, the car was sometimes swinging to the right.

While I was driving I let my thoughts run wild again, forgetting all about the weather.

I still can't believe it, how does she not see it? She's a detective! Boston's finest! How is it possible? Thinking about it makes me sad, I lost Jane. To Casey.

I didn't had the guts to tell her how I felt, I regret that now. She will be his in a few months, after accepting his proposal he started to make plans already. He didn't wanted to wait any longer.

Leaving them all behind was hard, but it was temporary. At least that's what I told them. I can't see the woman with who I am in love with marrying someone who doesn't deserve her. He leaves and comes back, leaves and comes back. So it went, for a long time.

I know that falling in love with your best friend is stupid, but you can't stop the heart. I want Jane, I want her to be my girlfriend, I want to come home to her, I want to make her laugh, I want to make love to her.

But it's too late.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles getting white. The rain which was slamming on the front window wasn't helping either. The wind was getting stronger by the minute. Why did I leave the cabin and went for a ride when this storm was coming. Now I was in the middle of the storm, on a small road somewhere in the forest. I couldn't see anything, the rain fell with big droplets down, blurring my vision at first, now it was like I was blind. But this was the way to think for me.

Thinking back to the day I left was hurting my heart, but she had broken it that day.

_I had packed my bags two days ago. Still not sure if I should leave or not. Jane was coming over for dinner today which made me happy. I hadn't seen her in a while, well in our free time then. At work I saw her all the time, but then she was her professional version of Jane. _

_I was currently cooking dinner for us, chicken with potatoes and some carrots. Simple but healthy. She would arrive in 20 minutes, just enough time to finish cooking. _

_While the chicken was in the oven I went to set the table. Poured some red wine in my glass and placed a bottle of beer next to Jane's plate. I leaned against the counter, taking little sips of my wine. _

_The bitter red liquid reminded me of the movie nights I had with Jane. I tried to remember when out last movie night was, that would have been four of five weeks ago. And next Saturday wasn't going to be a movie night either. _

_The beep of the oven brought me back on earth, I placed my wine on the counter and quickly grabbed my oven mitts. I opened the oven and a delicious smell filled the room. I took the chicken out and placed it on the stove, letting it cool down. The potatoes were ready so I placed them on the plates, carrots following. I put the chicken on the last empty space on the plate and brought them to the table. _

_One minute left, perfectly done Maura. _

_I took my wine from the kitchen and made my way over to the couch. Now I had to wait for Jane to arrive. _

_I waited, five minutes. Maybe she was stuck at work?_

_Ten minutes. _

_Fifteen minutes. _

_I grabbed my phone and searcher her number. I waited for her to pick up. _

"_Hi Maura!" Jane greeted happily. _

"_Hey Jane." I greeted back, "Will it take long before you arrive?" _

"_Um, what do you mean?" She asked confused. _

"_Well you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago, dinner is already a bit cold." _

"_O shit Maur! I totally forgot! Casey called and asked me out so we went to this nice little place. It's really romantic and…" _

_I wasn't listening anymore, she had forgotten. Just like that. I wasn't important enough anymore, Casey was now her priority and nothing was better than him._

"_Goodbye Jane." I hung up with tears in my eyes. I was done. _

_I practically ran upstairs and grabbed two suit cases, I brought them down. Another two suit cases followed. _

_I went to the guest house and knocked. After a few seconds the door opened and Angela stood there in her PJ's. _

"_Maura what's wrong?" She asked concerned when she saw the tears running down my cheeks. _

"_I just need to get out of town, can you keep an eye on my house and Bass?" _

"_Of course, but why are you leaving?" She had a concerned and confused look on her face. _

_I turned around and walked back to my house, just before I entered I looked over my shoulder and said "Jane." _

_I grabbed my suit cases and loaded my car, completely forgotten about the food which was still untouched. _

_I stepped into the driver's seat and started the engine. Without looking back or giving it another thought I drove away from my house. _

That's how I ended up at the cabin. It was a good decision though. It gave me the space I needed.

And worrying about work was over now too. I was on personal leave for a few weeks, well one was already over.

Maybe I should go back to the cabin, the storm was getting worse by the minute.

I managed to turn the car and drive back through the rain, the pounding on the roof of the car was a deaf making sound, the wind was like screaming girls when it circles around my car.

_I had arrived at the cabin. I was too tired to unpack my bags so I just stripped down to my bra and panties and curled up in my bed. Deep sorry was the only thing I knew right now. I had just lost the love of my life, but she didn't even know. She didn't even know I was gay! One word was like a mantra in my head; How? How could she not noticed the quite inappropriate touching I did sometimes. How could she not see the big smile she only deserved. Which friends spend the night together in one bed while they aren't even together? Our movie nights and sleepovers stopped since the proposal, I think that Casey doesn't want Jane to stay with me. _

_I miss Jane… maybe if I had told her then… _

Suddenly there is a tree lying flat on the road, it probably fell because of the wind. I tried the brake but my tires can't get a grip on the road and I slide forward. I turn the steering wheel to the right, hoping to avoid the tree. I start to slide circles, again I try the brake. No effect.

I see the edge of the road coming dangerously close. I try everything to stop the car, but I can't. The road is slippery, I hear the tires screech and in my panic I pull the handbrake. The car slides forward and I tumble over the edge. I feel myself turning upside down, and back up. And again upside down, then the hood of the car crash against a tree. I am pushed forward and feel an incredible pain in my head when it slams against the steering wheel.

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I open my eyes, seeing only darkness. What happened? My head is pounding and my leg hurts so bad. I look up, my eyes are used to the dark by now and I see that the front of my car is ruined, the window is broken and the left side of the car is dented to me. I tried to move but my leg is stuck somewhere. I feel my way down my leg and notice I don't feel anything in my foot right now, but with the lightest touch on my tibia I whine from pain.

I pull my leg from the weird position it is in, tears streaming down my face in the process. The pain wasn't unbearable but I needed to get out of the car. I heard the rain still slamming down in the car, the wind still blowing like it did before.

I get my leg out and try the door, it won't open. I find the little hammer on the back seat, I slam against the window a few times. I don't slam hard enough, it makes me feel hopeless. Tears are making their way down again and I start to slam furiously against the window. Finally I hear the glass groan and it breaks. I let out a hysterical laugh and throw the hammer back on the back seat. I start to climb out, careful for the little pieces of glass that are still on the edges.

I stumble out of the window and fall flat on my back, the rain and water from the ground directly soaking me. I groan in pain when the air leaves my longs because of the impact of my fall. I crawl onto my knees which was hurting so badly but I had to.

Bag.

Where is my bag! Trunk!

I crawl around the car to the trunk, it is cracked open. Luckily. I stand up, I can only stand on my left leg, my right one is probably broken. I pull it open and see my bag. Some stuff has fallen out into the empty space, I quickly collect it and put everything back into my bag. I have one apple, my phone, an old sandwich and a bottle of water.

I pull my bag out of the trunk and quickly stumble away, the rain and wind are freezing me to the bone. But I have to go on.

I walk and walk, I don't know for how long and how far but I just walk. I don't know where the road is and I forgot which way it is back to my car. Where is the Maura I know? Why can't I think clear anymore? Why is the world turning and blurry?

I remember hitting my head on the steering wheel, now the throbbing headache, turning and unclear vision. Concussion.

I need to rest, I know that, but where?

I keep walking, it goes slow and painful. I can see the first sunrays peeking through the empty spaced between the leaves. The storm is decreasing, which is a good sign.

I stand still, the sun warming my body. I fall to my knees, then collapse on the ground with one thing on my mind; Jane.

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**Let me know if I should continue! Or stop right here cuz it's so bad…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I will buy everyone a drink who thinks I own anything. **

**AN: So… here is another chapter. **

**Okay important news; from Monday to Friday I have a test week, so I don't have much time to write. I will try to write as much as I can, but I can't promise anything. **

**Another thing; I am searching for a beta. English isn't my mother language so yeah, grammar mistakes are easily made. So if you know someone who wants to be my beta please let me know. Thanks! **

**Have fun reading. **

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**I must survive**

**Chapter 2 **

Mmm, so soft… I don't want to get up yet, it's too early.

'Chierp'

See even the birds agree with me.

Wait, birds?

I never hear birds at home…

I lifted my head, a bird which was close to my head flew away in shock.

I closed my eyes in pain, my head was killing me! I pulled one arm from under my stomach and rested my forehead in my hand.

Slowly the seriousness of the situation settled in.

I was alone in a forest I didn't know. No one knew where I was. I only had a little bit of food.

I was happy that I decided to wear jeans and a shirt with a leather jacket, and luckily I wore my old sneakers I sometimes wear when nobody is around.

The sun had dried my back, but my front was still soaked. I opened my eyes again, letting them getting used to the light. I sat up on my knees, the sun was now starting to dry and warm my front.

My stomach growled, I noticed how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. That would be almost a whole day from now. I had no idea what time it was, but it was after 12 for sure.

I took the apple out of my bag and took a bite. The liquid of the apple was cold which helped to take the headache away. The apple quickly disappeared into my stomach, at the same time I was making a plan.

Tonight I will search for the polestar, then I can make a sundial.

But not it was still light enough to walk around I should try to find my way out of this forest. I can follow my footprints back to my car and walk back onto the road.

I stood up and searched for my footprints, it wasn't as simple as I thought. The rain had wiped them away, though I saw some dents in the dirt. The pain in my leg was still too unbearable to walk, I had to find some sticks to make a splint. That was my first task.

Searching the right branches wasn't that hard, soon I had found two strong but flexible branches and a big and quite thick stick to support me with walking. I only needed something to tie the branches to my leg. Well this shirt was already ruined. I ripped the under part off, the sound of the ripping fabric sounded hard in the quiet forest.

After I had ripped a big enough part off I placed the branches on the sides of my leg. I placed the strip of fabric on the upside of my leg and let the ends fall to the sides. I circled my leg a few times until the branched couldn't slip out anymore. I brought the ends of the strip together at my ankle and tied them together. That should work.

I stood up again, balancing on my left leg while grasping the big stick for support. I managed to walk using the stick, but it was still painful. I walked back to my bag and picked it up from the floor.

Phone.

I still had my phone! I could dance from happiness that moment, but the smile quickly faded when I pulled my phone out. The rain had penetrated through the fabric of the bag and had made a little puddle in my purse, just where my phone was. I tried to turn it on, no response. Damn the blackberry's!

I turned my bag upside down, the food and bottle of water fell onto the moss on the ground. The water followed.

I threw everything back into the bag and hang it on my shoulder. Where can I go now? For the first time that day I started to scan the forest. How longer I stared into the forest the more desperate I became. It was like I was in a dream, the ones where you know somewhere is a way out, but you can't find it.

So instead of looking I decided to listen. I closed my eyes and breathed on the yoga way. Breath in through my mouth, breath out through my nose. It didn't only calm me down, it also brought sounds to live I hadn't heard before.

I heard birds chirping, leaves waving in the wind, a branch cracking under my foot. But there was one sound I couldn't place. Where did it come from? I listened carefully.

It came from the left, so that's where my journey was going.

I slowly opened my eyes again, I had calmed down. I started to walk to the sound. How closer I came how harder it was, suddenly I knew what it was. Water.

It wasn't far, after walking for half an hour I reached an open space. But what I saw wasn't really what I was hoping for. The water was thundering down with force into a smaller river. A waterfall.

I knew that following water wasn't a smart idea, you could slip and fall into the water. And if you were as unlucky as me, you could strand at a waterfall. Climbing down was dangerous, especially with my leg. But walking back into the forest made me even more scared.

I limped around the edge, searching for the safest place to climb down. I found a spot where the rocks weren't as wet as the others, I had to climb down here.

I threw my stick down and started climbing. Suddenly three meters was as high as the sky, there was no end. Every time I had to use my right leg tears gathered in my eyes, I could almost feel my bones moving in my leg when I had to lean on it.

When I looked down I saw that I was half way, still one and a half meters down. I searched with my left foot for the next rock, which I found directly. I carefully placed my foot on it and pulled my other foot away from its rock. I didn't know what happened, maybe the rock was slippery, maybe I misplaced my foot. But my foot slid off and I fell to the ground.

I groaned in pain when I tried to move. When I come out of this forest I will thank Jane for the tricks she learned me. I was just in time to catch myself ,before I fell straight on my back, and rolled on the ground to fall softer.

I didn't break anything more, luckily, but I will have a giant bruise on my spine and back.

But maybe I will never get out of this forest, they don't even know I had a car accident, leave alone that I'm lost in the forest.

The tears I tried to hold back finally broke through. I had almost no food left, I only had one bottle of water and a broken phone. I'm probably forgotten by my friends and family.

How badly I wanted to stay there on the rocks, I needed to get up and continue my journey. I pushed myself up, it was then that I noticed the blood on the stones. I had cut my arm on a sharp rock. Crap. I ripped another piece of my shirt off and bandaged the wound.

I need to stop doing these kind of dangerous things or I won't have a shirt anymore.

I pulled my bag towards me, it had fallen off my shoulder when I was climbing down. I zipped it open and grabbed the bottle. I opened it and took a few big sips. The water was heaven in my mouth. The thirst I had because of the walking and the burning sun was finally fading. I couldn't drink too much or I wouldn't have something left for tomorrow so I closed the bottle and let it fall back into the bag.

I noticed that my skin was starting to get red. I needed to get out of the sun or I will get really bad sun burns.

Ones again I stood up and limped to my stick. I walked back into the forest. It was much cooler under the leaves which was a huge relieve.

The sun was slowly sinking, darkness came in return. How lower the sun went, how lonelier I felt.

It was getting colder by the minute and I started to shiver. I needed to make a fire, but maybe I was too late for that.

Although the sun was almost gone I still tried, I had found some braches which had dried in the sun. I was lucky to find some on the rocks next to the river because the ones in the forest were still wet.

I had found some dead grass too, which would do a great job for starting the fire. I placed all the branches and grass in a little whole in the rocks, I only needed a way to get them to burn.

It was a long shot, but I could try it. I took my phone from my bag and placed it in the right way so the sun was shining right at the screen. It didn't take really long before the grass started to smoke, but no fire.

I guessed I had only an hour left before the sun was completely gone. Again I was getting desperate, was the world against me or something?

I stayed in the same position for another 30 minutes before the miracle happened. There was a little spark between the branches. At first I thought I had made it up but soon the grass caught fire.

I let out a hysterical laugh, almost a breath. The fire was getting bigger and bigger.

With the last light of this day I searched for more branches and made a pile of burnable branches.

When I had enough wood and grass to burn I crashed down next to the fire. I took my sandwich out my bag and tore it in two. I quickly ate one half and drank a few sips.

After eating I laid down, I was so exhausted. My headache was getting worse again, the dehydration and the heat of the day making it even worse.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned. I wished I was back in Boston, in my own bed. Eating a fresh baked pancake with a glass of wine in my hand. My mind wandered back to the times Jane had stayed over at my place, we would snuggle up together and talk about things that were bothering us, or the things that made us happy. I wished I had told her how I felt, maybe then I would be lying in bed with her, instead on these rocks. Maybe she would have wrapped me up in her arms and kissed me goodnight.

I felt so weak and hopeless, my muscles were already sore and my head was burning like the fire in front of me.

I slowly started to drift off to sleep, fantasizing that Jane laid behind me, holding me.

I smiled weakly, I whispered goodnight to Jane.

I fell asleep, hoping that I never wake up again.

* * *

Angela Rizzoli was angry at her daughter. After Maura had left she had called her and had yelled at her for being such an ass to Maura.

Angela knew how much Jane meant to her, she had seen Maura's loving looks. She had seen Maura smile when Jane walked into the room.

She knew Maura was in love with her biological daughter. Only the Detective didn't see it.

One night Jane seemed so happy, she thought that Maura had told her how she felt. But it was the opposite.

Casey had asked her to marry him, and she had said yes. That night she was so angry at Jane, because Jane maybe didn't see it but she did. Jane was in love with Maura too, she only didn't want to admit it.

She hadn't seen Maura that night at the dirty robber when they were going to celebrate the engagement.

So Angela went home early, she found Maura softly crying on her bed. Angela had taken her in her arms and had let her cry.

Maura had confessed to her that she had feelings for Jane, which made Angela angrier at her daughter for not seeing it.

That was two months ago.

Maura had left a week and three days ago, and no one had heard from her. That was not Maura. Her little vacation was almost over, but Angela doubted that the doctor would come back.

Angela was worried, she tried to call her but she got voicemail every time. She needed to know how she was, where she was. She was sick of worry. It was time for some action.

She went up to the bullpen.

"Jane?"

She heard her daughter groan, they had fight a few times before. All about Maura.

"What ma?" Jane asked harshly.

"I wanna know where Maura is, I haven't heard from her in almost one and a half weeks. That's not Maura, Jane. Please find her, I have a feeling something is wrong. Really wrong." Angela had tears in her eyes.

Jane knew her mother, when Angela Rizzoli had a bad feeling there was something wrong. And to be honest, Jane knew something was wrong too. She felt it in her heart.

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**Is it worth a review?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Don't own. **

**AN: So I managed to write another chapter between my tests. I hope you like it. **

**It may be bad, sorry for that.**

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**I must survive**

**Chapter 3**

Sadly enough I woke up the next day, the headache was less but still there. The fire was out, but I didn't need it anymore. I slowly rose from the ground, directly I shut my eyes in pain. Even breathing hurt, I lifted my shirt and saw one big bruise on the side of my chest. It spread all across my side, an ugly purple bruise which crawled to my back where another big circle of purple skin had gathered.

My muscles were sore from the fall and my mouth was craving for water. I quickly took the bottle and drank almost the half. I heard my stomach growl again and took the sandwich from my bag. I ate like a cave men, I didn't know what had happened this night but I was hungry and dried out. Maybe the adrenaline has left my body and gave me my senses back.

I checked my splint and tied it again. Then I checked the cut in my arm, the edges were read and swollen. I had to clean it before it gets really infected. I crawled to the little river and put the piece of fabric in the streaming water. I started to wash the dried blood out. After it was clean I started to softly wipe the dried blood away. It did hurt a lot, but it was important to keep it clean. And of course water from the river isn't really good to use to clean a wound but I needed to do it with something.

The sun was already burning on my skin, this day would become a hot summer day. I bandaged the cut with the wet strip of fabric, I knew that if I didn't get the right medical care for this cut it would get infected. The wound was pretty deep and still wasn't healing like it should.

I needed to travel further so I grabbed my stick and slowly rose from the ground with a groan. I slowly hobbled with the stream of the river.

I had no food left, no water, only a bag with a broken phone. I knew I would get hungry sooner than later so I had to find a way to get food. I thought back to the time I read an article about eatable insects and plants. Thinking with this headache was horrible and difficult, I managed to remember two eatable thing. Ants and leaves from the Lind tree.

Searching for the right tree then, that would take some time. I could better start already, but not going too far from the river. My leg was hurting so much that every step was like hell, maybe I had broken my fibula too. I didn't know. The usual 'nerdy and Google mouth' Maura was gone. I was just someone who wanted to survive.

Did I really want to survive?

If I survived this adventure it meant going back to my life in Boston. Back to Jane and Casey. I don't know if my heart is strong enough for that. Now I understood why, mostly women, were so depressed when they lost the love of their lives. First I thought it was just to get attention and maybe to get the person back, but now I really understood it. Losing the ones you love is harder than anything else in life. I knew that now.

That's also the reason why I didn't tell Jane how I felt. She thought that Casey was her love of her life guy. But if she just really looked closer, she would see that he is actually a jerk. And that I was the right person.

Another fact, Jane was straight. She was straight and also thinks that I am too. I never told her that I was a lesbian, again I was too scared.

I know that I'm a lesbian since I was, maybe 17. Life was hard for me back then. I had no friends, but a huge crush on a girl from my class. I didn't know I was in love with her until I saw her kissing with her boyfriend, it broke my heart. From then on I knew that I was gay but pretended to be straight so people wouldn't think any less about me.

Telling Jane had brought another fear with it. If I tell her and she doesn't feel the same, which is probably the case, does she still want to be my friend? My best friend? I couldn't lose the only friend I have. I never had a real friend, of course I thought I had a few friends in high school. I _thought_. I was too happy to see that they were only using me for good grades.

I kind of regret telling Angela how I felt, I know she has a hard time keeping secrets to herself and this one involves her daughter! I know for sure that Jane would know how I feet before I come back. If I come back.

The sun had warmed the forest in no time, I was already sweating and my mouth was dry. It was still hard to believe that I was really lost in a forest. Well at least I have a 'Cool' story to tell. If I come out of here alive.

I rubbed my eyes, they were hurting from tiredness and the amount of crying. If I had known a week ago then I would have never left. Being home alone and crying my eyes out sounded so tempting right now. I wish I could go back in time. To curl up in my bed after I showered. My hair smelling like the expensive shampoo and my sheets would smell clean because they are just washed. I would sink into the matrass and fall asleep.

That's what I should be doing now, maybe if I could go further back into time I could tell Jane before Casey comes back. maybe then she would lay with me in my bed, together cuddling and sometimes sharing a kiss.

That's what I want, but I know that it is just a dream. And dreams are fake and liars. They give you hope but betray you when you finally see that it was just a dream

* * *

"I still don't know why she left." Jane shakes her head while writing something in her notepad. When she looks up four pair of eyes stare at her with disbelieve. Well actually three, one pair of eyes are drilling an hole into her. An hole full of angriness. And those eyes belonged to an certain Angela Rizzoli.

"What?" Jane asked confused.

Korsak raised his eyebrows, Frost shook his head in disappointment, Cavanaugh let out a little groan and Angela just stared at her.

Jane made her famous question eyes to everyone.

"You still don't see it? Gosh Jane! You're a detective, you detect." Frost shook his head ones again.

"What do I have to see?" Jane asked just as confused as before.

"She loves you, for heaven's sake!" Angela snapped at her daughter.

Jane snorted, "Yeah well I love her too, she's my best friend." She knew what her mother meant, she just avoided the subject.

"Jane, come on. She is in love with you, and you are in love with her too. Admit it." Korsak gave her a knowing smile.

Jane groaned and held her hand up, "I'm engaged remember?"

Even though she didn't want to admit it, it was hurting her to be remembered to the thing that she wanted to forget so desperately. She had never thought Maura could be in love with her, she had never seen it. she accepted Casey's proposal because she never would be enough for Maura. Maura was a high class and rich woman, Jane was just a detective. Too many differences.

Now that she was confronted with it again her heart was aching for Maura, again. She didn't want to marry Casey, she wanted Maura.

"Can we just continue to search for her?" Jane was getting frustrated and just wanted to forget.

"No we can't!" Her mother yelled, "She left because of you! And you know Maura, she never does things without a good reason. So, tell me 'detective' why did she leave?" Angela crossed her arms and sat back in her chair staring at her daughter.

Jane growled but gave no answer, she knew why she had left. She was just too scared to admit her feelings.

"Jane, look at what Casey did. He possessed you, you never went over to Maura's or even go on a drink with her. You were her only friend, and you let her down." Korsak stated.

_Were, are we friends or were we friends? _

Jane looked down at her hands, playing with her short nails. She felt tears coming up, she blinked to stop them from falling.

"Jane?" Frost said softly.

Jane shove her chair back, stood up and ran away from the conversation room.

* * *

Jane was at home, sitting at the table with her phone in front of her. She was waiting for the phone call where she heard what Frost found about Maura's financial record.

She patted with her fingers on the wood, nervously waiting. Casey had come home an hour ago and was now showering.

She heard his footsteps on the floor and a second later he walked into the kitchen.

"Hey babe." He leaned in to kiss her but Jane looked away.

She didn't want to touch him or even be near him. She had noticed that the last few weeks he held her from Maura. Every time they would meet he held her from it while he knew she cared about her. Sometimes he took her to dinner, sometimes just keeping her home with an excuse or even worse, with making love to her. Which she was now disgusting.

After a good long walk she had finally made a decision, she would fight for Maura.

"You okay?" He asked with a weird look on his face.

"Yeah." Jane bit on her thumb nail nervously.

Her phone started ringing and Jane jumped up. She grabbed her phone from the table and picked up.

"Yeah."

"So we know she rented a little cabin in the forest but her phone is out and there is no way that we can reach her." Frost informed.

"I'm on my way to the cabin. Where is it?"

Casey gave her an odd look but let her talk.

"Okay, I will pack my bag and leave directly." She hung up and almost ran to the bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Casey asked sharply.

"I am going to bring Maura back." Jane threw some shirts on the bed followed with two jeans. She stuffed it all in a weekend bag and threw it over her shoulder.

"Wait a second, why would you do that? She left you without no reason!"

Jane pulled her ring off her finger and pushed it in Casey's hand. "She had a reason, and you were the cause of it."

Casey got angry, "What do you mean?! And why do I get my ring back?"

"You knew I loved her! Still do! And you kept me away from her! You talked me into a better life with you, but now I see that it was all a lie. I still don't know why you did this to me! If you really cared about me you would have let me be happy with Maura, instead you kept me away from her. And I hurt her so badly! I will never forgive you, I will never forgive myself for hurting her. I don't know who the biggest ass is in this apartment, you or me. But what I do know is that we're over. I'm done." She walked past him, bumping her shoulder to his which caused him to stumble back.

"You can't do this!" He grabbed her wrist.

She turned around and pulled her arm back. "Yes I can, I just did. We're over, handle it."

That moment he hit her on the cheek. She was stunned, fire in her eyes. She didn't do anything, just turned around and walked away. Leaving him behind, leaving the past behind.

The ride was lonely and silent, the only sound she heard came from the engine and the wind. She was almost there, almost.

She had watery eyes. She had thought about everything she had done to Maura. Korsak was right, Casey had kept her away from Maura. She was furious at him, but angrier at herself. How could she have been so stupid…

She arrived a few minutes later, nervous and exited. She knocked on the door, no answer. She knocked again. No answer.

She tried the door which was open, 'That's odd'.

She slowly walked inside and looked around, "Maur?"

No answer.

She looked around the cabin. In the bedroom were her clothes and in de fridge where the healthy meals ready to be eaten. Maura had definitely been here, but her car wasn't here, neither was she. Where was she? She looked around ones again and then noticed the little layer of dust on the table.

'Crap'

She walked out of the cabin and jumped into her car again. She started the engine and rode around a bit. Suddenly the saw a little road where no one would go, except Maura. She turned and slowly rode along the road. She couldn't go further because there was a tree on the way. She saw tire tracks on the road and followed them. Then she saw it. Maura's car.

It was slammed against a tree with the side bumped in. She parked her car on the side and ran to the car. The window was broken and a little blood was on the steering wheel. There were a few leaves on the hood. But no sign of Maura.

'More crap'

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

**AN: So… yeah… **

* * *

"I told you! She's gone! Her car is crashed against a tree and there is blood on the steering wheel and the window is broken but no Maura." Jane rattled hysterically with tears in her eyes.

"Jane calm down. Take a deep breath and explain it again." Frost said with his calmness.

Jane took a deep breath and explained everything calmly. "I'm going to search for her." She said after her explanation.

"No Jane you can't go in there. The forest is huge and you have no idea where to go. I will call a search team, you stay put."

She heard Frost saying something to Korsak who directly grabbed his phone. She was pacing at the side of the car, biting on her thumb nail.

"Jane? Korsak is calling them, you need to come back here."

"No, I am going to stay in the Cabin. I want to be nearby when they find her." She hang up without another word and sat down on the grass.

She rubbed her face with her hands, when did she made this such a fucked up situation?

She knew that she had hurt Maura badly and that she wouldn't be forgiven that easily. She didn't want to be forgiven that fast. Maura had every right to be angry at her, she wanted Maura to be angry at her. Maura could do everything to her as longs as it meant she was still alive.

* * *

I groaned with every step I took, walking was getting harder and harder. My leg was red and swollen and putting some weight on it was painful. Then I had the cut in my arm, the edges were red and swollen just like my leg. I was sure that it was infected, it only needed some time until the bacteria were settled.

I was getting light headed, de dehydration and the light concussion were making me dizzy and disoriented. I had no water and the sun and heat weren't helping either.

I needed to eat something if I wanted to have energy to keep walking. I didn't know where I was anymore, the sound of the river had disappeared almost an hour ago. I was just walking a bit.

Sometimes it was like I heard Jane yelling my name, but when I looked there was no one. I missed everyone deeply. The whole Rizzoli clan had become my family in the past years I worked with Jane. Frost and Korsak were my family too, even Cavanaugh. I just wanted to hug them all and tell them how much I love them, how much they all mean to me. Especially Jane. But it was too late.

I had no idea how I could survive in a forest, and maybe I don't wanna.

Suddenly a song popped up in my head, it was a song which had played on the radio the last sleep over with Jane.

_Underneath the echoes_

_Buried in the shadows_

_There you were_

I started to hum along

_Drawn into your mystery _

_I was just beginning _

_To see your ghost _

I was softly singing by now

_But you must know_

_I'll be here waiting_

_Hoping _

_Praying_

_That this light will guide you home_

_When you're feeling lost I'll leave, my love_

_Hidden in the sun_

_For when the darkness comes_

I thought back to that night, the smiles I gave her and the smiles she returned. It was hurting to think back, she had been so happy. But not with me, because the biggest smile she gave me was when I hugged her and we said goodbye the next day. She was happy to go back to Casey, and happy to get away from me.

I stumbled and fell to the ground. Whining when my body hit the ground, luckily not hard. I laid my head on the moss, I was so tired and done. My hair was sticking to my skin and the beautiful blond was now red with some of my blood and brown from dirt.

I closed my eyes and took a deep and shaky breath. The song was still playing in my head, when it ended it started all over again. I felt the sun warming my back when sunrays hit my shirt.

It was then that I noticed another symptom from the dehydration, the nausea. I was here for two days and already too tired to fight.

Although… I still wanted to tell Jane how I felt, so I had to fight. And that meant I had to find food and water. I lifted my head and placed my chin on the place where my had just was. It took a few seconds until I had a clear view again but when I did I saw it.

Ants.

Food, you can eat ants, they help against a high blood pressure and have a lot of proteins in them.

I shivered at the thought of eating ants, the little insects will walk around in my mouth and maybe even bite me. Was there no way I could kill them before I ate them?

I scanned the area, noting. Just trees and bushes.

I sat up, the ants marching to their house with leaves above them.

Okay, how will I do this?

I grabbed a little branch from the ground and hold it just above the army of ants.

Here we go.

I put it in the line of walking ants and within seconds the ants walked on the branch. I opened my mouth and pushed the branch in, closing my mouth I shivered again. The ants were walking over my tongue and teeth, it was the grossest feeling I had ever felt. I threw the branch on the ground and started to chew, directly a few ants were killed by my pearl white teeth but a few escaped and one bit my lip. I whined at the stinging feeling but continued chewing. After two swallowed my mouth was empty and the ants were on their way to my stomach. I opened my mouth and breathed out.

I ate another two branches, every time went better but it was still disgusting.

I stood up again with the help of my stick. I stepped over the line of ants and limbed further.

Have they noticed I was gone? Are they searching for me?

* * *

After the rescue team had investigated Maura's car they had made a plan. They would inform the scouts and will send a helicopter into the air.

Jane had gone back to the cabin and had crashed down on the couch.

She was mentally beating herself up for being such a blind ass. She blamed herself for everything, well who else was there to blame? Roly-poly Rizzoli had done it again.

She stood up and walked to the fridge for food, there were some vegetables and bread. A salad it would be.

She quickly chopped the vegetables, still crying. She chopped to fast and cut her finger. She dropped the knife and grabbed her hand.

"Goddamn!" She yelled and kicked the knife away, "You fucking knife!"

She searched for a plaster, nothing. She growled angrily and tore a piece of toilet paper off, wrapping it around her finger.

She lifted her plate and set it on the table before she took a glass of water. She ate in silence while she cried without sound.

After dinner she went to the bathroom for a shower. In the bathroom where a few of Maura's clothes, Jane picked them carefully up. She smelled her perfume, the typical Maura smell.

Jane got angrier and angrier at herself, she was so fucked up and she fucked up everyone around her too.

She had hurt the one she loved the most.

She made a fist and hit the wall while yelling. She did it a few times more, not feeling the pain.

She hadn't heard the door opening until she felt two hands on her arms.

"Janie stop." The soft voice calmed the furious brunette down.

Jane started to sob and Angela pulled her in her arms.

"Ow sweetie…" She rocked her daughter softly.

"I've been such an ass!" She sobbed.

"Indeed, but it wasn't only your fault."

Angela led the way to the bedroom and tucked her daughter in, "Get some sleep honey, you have to be strong tomorrow."

Jane nodded weakly, the sobs fading.

Angela stroke her daughters head a few times before she placed a kiss on Jane's forehead. "Sleep well."

"Sleep well." Jane whispered.

Her mother stood up and made her way back into the mini living room of the cabin.

Jane buried her face into the pillow, even the bed smelled like her. Maybe it will be one of the last times she would smell Maura's perfume.

* * *

The sun was going down again, I had survived another day. I had to find a place to sleep.

After I searched a bit I found a spot with a lot of moss which would be a little softer then the stone I slept on last night.

I laid my bag and stick next to me.

I closed my eyes and directly an image of Jane came into my mind. I was just released from prison and Jane picked me up.

I had never seen her that happy before, except the time when we were at my home together with TJ.

Jane would be a great mother, the way she communicate with them was just wonderful.

Jane when we were at the dirty robber for drinks, we would talk about everything. And I always managed to make her smile.

Right now I would do anything to make her smile, even if it meant selling my house and all my belongings. If it meant I had to die to see her smile I would do it.

I had no point in life anymore. When she would say the 'I do' at the wedding I would lose her for forever.

But before I die, I need to tell her. It may be selfish but she needs to know, so she can think about what she will lose when she marries him.

I felt so alone, like there was no one on this planet who cared about me anymore. I was completely alone in a forest, and maybe I will never be found.

I wanted Jane to be here with me, to hold me through the night and protect me. So, ones again, I pictured Jane there with me, with her arms around my middle while I was dozing off to sleep.

"Sleep well Jane." I whispered so softly that it was just a breath.

* * *

In the living room was a little television, a good way to distract a worried Angela Rizzoli. She turned it on.

She watched the last few minutes of a show she didn't know and then the news came.

'_Medical examiner Maura Isles lost in forest' _

Angela froze, how did the press knew this so fast?

She didn't want to see this so she turned the television off again.

She saw the unfinished sandwich Jane had made and decided to eat it.

Jane had no idea how much Angela missed Maura. Maura was her second daughter, and now she was gone. Of course she had almost lost Jane a few times but then there was someone with her and she was saved. But Maura was alone., no one there to save the blonde.

A few tears escaped Angela's eyes while she ate.

She was still pissed at her daughter, but when she had seen Jane crying a few minutes ago the anger passed. Angela had gotten a call from Frost, telling her what was going on and where Jane was. Angela had directly packed a bag and raced to the cabin.

When she had looked into her daughters eyes she had seen the sorrow but also the fire. She was sure Jane would do anything to find Maura. even if it meant going into that forest all by herself, if that gave her one percent change to find her Jane would take it.

She had finished her sandwich and cleaned the plate. Then she walked back into the bedroom and laid beside her sleeping daughter. She softly stroke the detective's cheek and fell asleep.

Jane had heard her mother, she had felt her mother's touch, she had heard her falling asleep. When she was sure her mother was asleep she stood up.

She walked onto the little porch, staring at the trees, knowing Maura would be somewhere in there.

_When the darkness comes_

She smiled weakly when that line came into her head. Why it suddenly was in her head was a question, but at this song Maura and Jane had made their own baked pizza's. At their last sleep over.

She turned around and walked back into the cabin. She looked back ones and blew a kiss.

"Sleep well Maura" She whispered.

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I would let Jane marry Maura instead of Casey. **

**AN: I can't say in words how sorry I am for this late update. I have a lot of problems here. My mom is always working or fighting with my sis. My sis will be attend to a special program and I have irritating pains everywhere. I was sick three times between the updates and had to stay in bed for a long time. then I had my mom's birthday, (she turned 54) and then I had a fight with my best friend. Most things are okay now and I hope to have more time to write but my and my sis' birthdays are also coming close and I am not really looking forward to that. The pains haven't faded yet, especially not the stomach pain but the doctor says everything's alright while I know its not, so I got a lot of stress from that and school. **

**I'm so sorry, I hope this update will make it up to you. **

* * *

"Please clam down... they're doing everything they can" Angela says to the person on the other end on the phone.

Jane walked into the room with a questioning face. Who would call them who was so upset?

"Who's it?" Jane whispered.

Angela put her hand on the phone and whispered, "Constance."

Jane nodded and started to make breakfast for the two of them, listening to what her mother said.

"You don't have to… Uhu I understand… Yes I will let you know when we have news… okay, bye Constance." Angela hang up with a sigh.

"Is she okay?" Jane asked concerned.

"She's okay but really worried. She wanted to come back from Europe but I convinced her to stay there and that we will let her know directly when we got news. Although I think she will come here when she is done with her opening." Angela said while Jane handed her a plate with some left overs.

"I understand." Jane answered curtly.

Angela just let her be, she understood her daughters mood. So they ate their breakfast in silence, both deep into their own thoughts.

* * *

_Tjirp! Tjirp! _

I lifted my head in shock, my vision blurry from sleep. The bird which had been walking around my head flew away.

I groaned and laid my hand on my forehead, it was burning and the pounding had become even worse.

Will there ever come an end to this? I knew I hadn't much days left without water and food, especially in this heat.

I slowly sat up, the world getting light and the sound disappeared for a moment. My eyes fluttered close and I felt like the gravity was pulling me back onto the ground. I sat up straight, directly feeling another pounding but now in my arm. I carefully pulled the bandage off and I directly smelled it. The wound was completely red with some more dried blood and pus had flowed out. It was stinging when I touched it and burning when I let it go.

_Great._

I bandaged my arm again and took my stick. With much effort I stood up and ones again began the endless journey.

I never guess I had walked for like ten minutes when I saw it in the dried dirt.

Tire tracks.

* * *

"When are they going to start the search?"

Angela checked their watch, "They started half an hour ago."

The only response she got was a short nod.

It was like this the whole morning already, Angela had enough of it.

"Jane, why are you so angry? I understand that you miss Maura and all, because I do too. But that's not all. Tell me."

Jane sighed heavenly, "I never told her the truth. I never told her how happy I am to have her in my life. How happy I am that I met her. how much I actually learned from her Google-mouth talk. I can't tell her how much I love her. Maybe it is all too late, maybe she's somewhere lying dead on the ground and we will never find her. I can't life with that, I have to find her. Don't care if she is dead or alive, but I need to tell her. But I can't find her."

She hadn't even noticed her mother walking to her, she only noticed when Angela wrapped her up in her arms. "Don't think like that, Maura is the smartest woman I know. She knows how to survive long enough and we will find her, _alive. _I am sure you will get your change to tell her everything. Believe me."

Jane just nodded.

* * *

I let out a hysterical laugh when I saw the prints, this was my change to find help. But… do I have to go to the left or to the right? I didn't saw any mark to which side the car went so I just choose right.

I didn't have the strength to lift my broken leg all the way up, she it just shove on the ground with every step. Leaving clearly visible marks behind.

After I walked for another half hour I finally looked up from the road and directly knew something was off. The trees weren't green but blue, I shook my head which I regretted directly. When the pounding was a little less I looked up again, now the trees were dancing in front of me. It was probably one of the weirdest experiences I ever had or will have.

I needed to follow the trail, and with the bouncing sight I had it was a bit hard. The dehydration and the concussion were slowly creating hallucinations, luckily I was now walking the good way.

At least that's what I thought.

I never felt so desperate in my life, so desperate to see human beings instead of trees and birds.

I was here to be alone, to escape the humans. I guess that was the most stupid decision I have ever made.

I wasn't myself anymore, I started to crawl back into my shell since the proposal. I lost interest in almost everything. Work went automatically but I never had my long ramblings about weird fact anymore. Because, who was listening to them? Who was really interested in listening to it?

But right now, I would do anything I could to be back at home, to be in my bed and sleep in in the weekends. To pour me a cup of coffee and start to prepare breakfast. To feed Bass his strawberries. Hell, I would rather go back to my school period, where I was bullied and tortured then being stuck here.

Why do I have to be the miserable one? True, I have my dream job, but I haven't got my true wish. Finding love, finding my significant other and get married. Have kids and live a life. That dream had been shattered.

I couldn't be angry at Jane, she had no idea what I felt for her. I can't blame her for anything that happened in my life. But I just wished she would have looked better. Then she would have seen the ugly truth. That I love her.

I do understand that she didn't want to see that, I am a weird person. Totally awkward with people and a control freak as they call that. I was a large package to have as friend, so as girlfriend, lover, wife? No, that is too much for any person.

I knew I was doomed to live my life alone. I had felt it since I was a kid, my parents always busy, never having time for me. I had no friends nor someone who I could talk to. I wasn't important enough. So I studied, and studied. I wanted to be the best in everything, then my teacher would be proud of me. So I felt a little bit important.

I was always a bit lonely, I learned to live with it and to enjoy myself. The library became my friend over the years, I was always welcome there to read or to study. Being alone is what I liked, but now I am stuck here I changed my mind.

I felt a drop on my head, another on my shoulder. I looked up at the grey sky and a few drops fell onto my face. It was a good feeling, the heat of the sun was behind the clouds, the cold of the raindrops welcome on my sunburned skin.

I opened my mouth and greeted the few drops of water, swallowing them eagerly. The raindrops came faster down and soon it was raining completely. It was heavenly to have something to cool me down.

* * *

Jane stood in front of the window, watching the rain fall down. The sound of the drops falling on the little roof was oddly comforting. The stress of these few days was finally settling in, only now she noticed how tired she really was. But she couldn't sleep, no. she needed to stay awake for if there was a call.

She hoped with all her heart that she was still alive, that they weren't too late. They had no idea how long Maura was gone before Jane had found her car, so it was time to just cross your fingers and pray.

She hadn't heard anything yet, but with this rain they probably stopped to wait until it stopped. The good thing about the rain was that the tension slowly disappeared. The heat of the hot days was slowly fading and a little cool breeze was now blowing around.

Jane yawned and sat down on the chair besides the window, laying her arms on the arm of the chair with her head on top. She looked outside and slowly drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

She had no idea how long she had slept but when she woke up she smelled the delicious meal her mother was making. The rain had stopped and the sun was slowly disappearing behind the trees.

She jumped up and walked to kitchen, "Did they call?"

Angela jumped lightly by the sound of her daughters voice, "Sorry sweetie." She turned around to see Jane with watery eyes. "She's going to be found."

"How can you know that?" Jane threw her hands up, her voice an octave higher than normal.

"That's called; mother instinct, Janie. I know she's going to be fine because I can feel it in my heart." Angela shove a plate with pasta to Jane who took place at the little table.

* * *

After the rain had stopped I just walked down the road. It wasn't as hot as it was anymore but it was still uncomfortable warm. It was already noon when the last drop had fallen. The whole time it had rained I had been laying on the grass, enjoying the cool water.

Now it was time to keep going again, the road was just a dirt bath right now. Walking went a bit slower but it was softer for my leg.

I looked down in a puddle and was shocked with who I saw in there. Dirty blond hair was sticking to her head, make-up completely gone only some black swipes under her eyes, cheekbones clearly visible under white skin.

After a few seconds it dawned on me that that woman was me. Tears were stinging behind my eyes, just that moment my stomach growled. I was so hungry and thirsty.

A lonely tear made its way down my cheek and ended up in the water. The sun had almost disappeared and I needed to find a place to sleep.

I wiped the other tears away and limped further. I found a bush which had a empty space under it. I rolled and hid under the bush.

* * *

"Janie, please." Angela pleaded.

"No."

"Honey you need to sleep, it's already 12. If you want to have energy left for tomorrow you should go to bed now." Angela pulled Jane's arm again, only this time the brunette followed.

She sighted and started her night routine. After she and her mother were done they crawled into the bed together.

"Do you really think she will be find? Alive?" Jane whispered.

"I really do." Angela replied in the soft whispered.

She ruffled Jane's hair and pulled her close to her, hugging her softly.

"I can't believe I let you do this." Jane grumbled.

Angela smiled, Jane was still Jane, she only needed someone to hold her.

"Love you too." Angela pressed a kiss to her daughters curls.

* * *

I woke up by a stinging pain in my arm, it was probably in the middle of the night. I rolled from under the bushes and lifted my arm with a groan. I could feel the heat radiating from under the fake bandage. The wound was really getting infected.

Suddenly I heard the cracking of branches , I froze in place and listened. I heard something walk on the other side of the road. When my eyes finally got used to the darkness I saw four long legs and a head with big ears.

It was a dear.

I breathed out but kept sitting in the same position. Long after the dear was gone I was still sitting the same. Sleeping wouldn't be an option tonight.

* * *

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